Why Understanding What Was Left Not Understood, Can Help You Heal.

"There is an aspect of the way that we learn that demands us to understand and finish what is not understood."

This is very valuable trait that supports us in finishing something until completion. Such as starting a new task and seeing it through all the way until the end. In between the start and finish of that task, there may be certain elements that may be unfamiliar to you and may require you to learn something new and apply it in order to finalize that task. We see this frequent loop happening in many areas of our life every day.

But what happens when that loop is something you never got to close, complete, or find resolution for. What happens when that loop that involves an experience of the past that frightened you or caused you pain, is activated by present reminders (triggers) that continue to reminder you of that terrifying experience or painful event. Perhaps it’s difficult to make the connection between past events that were stressful or traumatic and the reminders (triggers) that correlate with them now. Or perhaps you are already aware of the connection? 

When we live through a trauma (in varying degrees) the effect of that trauma can echo throughout one’s life in a variety of ways if the trauma experienced is left unresolved. Panic disorders, depression, anxiety, addictions, inner conflict, self-punishment, are just a few challenges that may arise from unprocessed events. During the time spent in the trauma, or as a direct result of a trauma, a person may learn that in order to have a need or want met or even to feel safe, one must do/not do XYZ to attain it.

For instance, a person experiencing high levels of prolonged stress in an environment that threatens a person’s safety or someone who experienced a one-off threatening situation, may learn that in order for them to remain safe moving forward, they must do/not do XYZ. 

For an example, a child growing up in an emotionally abusive home may learn from a young age that being silent, keeps the child out of the parents’ emotional targeting. A child will learn that a part of them must remain in ‘silence’ in order to keep the child out of the line of fire and protect the child from further harm. A part, or state of oneself, is then created as coping mechanism for the child in order to remain as safe as possible. That doesn’t mean the child was born silenced. It means that the child learned how to be silent to avoid pain/punishment and whenever the child would require this state, it would be present to carryout its role, purpose, and intention for the child. When the child feels frightened, or becomes nervous about getting in trouble, the part of them that knows how to keep the child safe (in this case ‘Silence’) is requested as an executive state (driving the persons thoughts, feelings, and behaviors) in order to help keep this child safe. 

As the child grows up, the child may find his/herself having a very hard to speaking to people, being in large crowds, or even trouble connecting with others. This may very well be because the part (‘Silence’) that was created to keep the child from speaking to avoid punishment/pain, still believes the child is in danger if he/she were to speak, be around people, or even connect with others.

As an adult, the person may have a new understanding of how one might cope with challenging situations. A person may have learned how expressing oneself has healing benefits and is important to maintaining a healthy mind, body, and psyche. A person may have felt what it’s like for another person to listen to what they have to say and even enjoy it! A person may have an entirely new outlook on life and one that promises a better tomorrow, each and every day.

And yet, with all of the newfound experiences as the adult, the person is still experiencing high levels of stress when talking to people, being in large crowds, and even connecting with others. Each time they are exposed to the ‘reminders’ (some would say triggers) of what it was like for them to speak up, they become terrified, anxious and feel completely muted by part that was created to protect them (‘Silence’).

You can see how, despite the efforts the adult is making to create a safer, happier, healthier life for oneself today, a part of them that carries unresolved issues of the past is still feeling unsafe and unwilling to aid the adult in freely living safer, happier, healthier because it still feels it unsafe and threatening to do so. 

When a state experiences pain, there needs to be an understanding, an acceptance, and a resolution, otherwise the experience it resulted from may be showing up in ways that may be ‘unpleasant’ or ‘uncomfortable’ in one’s life. A unresolved state can cause a person to feel generally unsettling. This is why the process of resolving residual trauma and improving internal communication between states of self can really aid in helping someone feel more integrated, positive, self-accepting, and empowered.

Until the part has been heard (not only by you, but by your other parts working for you) and the unprocessed trauma can be addressed and resolved, it will continue to believe it is serving you for your highest good! No one part of you was created to hurt you. All parts are created to keep you alive and at best, functioning in your environment. And if you understand why the parts were created, at the time they were created, and what they have been doing to help you (even if it’s uncomfortable now, as an adult, it still thinks it’s helping you as it did many years ago) then it is possible to find resolve and integrate these parts in serving you for your highest and best self, now.

Learning about your parts means learning more about you. It is said that one isn’t aware of their parts, doesn’t know themselves. As you begin to explore your parts (or simply a state of oneself), you learn why you do what you do. As you become aware of what parts are playing a role in your bad behaviors, troublesome habits, physical pain or psychological challenge, you can search for resolve within. You’d be surprised to find out that the parts that help you to carry out your highest and best will be elated to assist with the parts of you that have become exhausted in the overheated fight to protect you.

There is resolve in your battle. And only you can explore your way to resolution by understanding what exactly you need, or don’t need, right now.

If you’re feeling called to resolve, I am with you!  Let’s connect.

 ♥️ Stephanie